23: A Yelp Review Of Millennials


Posted by: @JustAnotherMillennial

Date: 10/18/17

Hi, I don’t usually post on these things, but I was surprised at how many people are giving these guys bad reviews. My experience has been completely different.

I love that they’re only open until 6 p.m. It’s weird to me that the Millennials reviewers who connect this seemingly early closing time to a “lack of work ethic” and not to Millennials’ desire to see their families more (because, hell, Armageddon seems nigh!), are the same people mad that stores like Wal-Mart open early on Thanksgiving. Why do you get to decide when family time boundaries are morally acceptable? Also, if we’re being realistic, they probably have a strict 6 p.m. closing time because they have to get to their second job. 

Look, I think a big part of the problem is management. Millennials were handed something inherently broken, left in ruins for a McMansion and a time share, and they’re doing the best they can to get it back to stability. It’s weird that the generation that had to suffer under the expectations of a group of older people who called themselves the “Greatest Generation” would turn around and levy the same self-aggrandizement onto their own kids. Saying the biggest decision Millennials have to make is whether to put pineapples on their pizzas is like saying burning one’s draft card was strictly out of selfishness. Here’s hoping Millennials don’t do the same thing when Gen Z opens a deconstructed-pizza restaurant down the street.

That said, I was disappointed Millennials seem to frequently take quotes by other people — or worse, truisms and turn them into quotes, like “Follow your heart” or “Believe in yourself” or “Pizza for breakfast is my fav I’m so random” — and non-ironically claim them as their own. Some even go so far as to design these quotes attributed to themselves into a visually appealing square and post them on social media so people will share their plagiarism. I think so they’ll become famous? I guess then they’ll be able to quit their second and third jobs at least…

Four out of five stars. (Also, all the “haha not everyone gets a trophy” jokes at this point in your reviews is lame, especially if you’re the adults who made the trophies part of the experience in the first place. Leave it to a Boomer to be super unoriginal.)


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