30: You Are Free Is Not A Word Problem



Johnny has three apples in his cool ass lunch box with Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the front. He takes two apples to school and leaves the third apple at home to eat after mini football practice. What’s that called again? That mini football league? When the boys are, like, 9, and they play football like adult males and that’s cute because “look at my little man” and “he totally gets it and is going to be OK” and there are girl cheerleaders about the same age, which is cute but also kind of awkward because cheerleaders are supposed to be sexy but not sexual and operate as, like, a wink at the crowd because they’re wearing no pants but also yelling at you to also yell, which reminds you of parents or your boss? Sure, there are also one or two little girls that also play the tiny football and wear a tiny helmet and swim in a tiny jersey and the local paper writes a story about her and her cute little ambition to play with the boys and all the women remember Ice Box from Little Giants and how they wanted to be like her but just couldn’t give up those damn cute hair bows and spankies the cheerleaders got to wear and how they would have maybe liked to play mini football maybe but they felt awkward around the little boys because they could already pick up that grown men and women were already awkward around kind of sexualized little girls and also cute cheerleaders never get writeups in the local paper because while they are as important to the fabric of a small town as the annual pie baking contest and Jesus, they are to be just slightly ignored and just slightly derided for their choice of “sport” and Johnny probably never wonders why the Ninja Turtles all got cool ass names from genius, history-shaping European Renaissance artists but their sidekick partner was just a human woman named April. Just April. Pee-wee! It’s called Pee-wee football. How many apples does Johnny have?

a) None. Kids don’t willingly eat apples.

b) You’re allowed to let go of friendships, places and ideologies that no longer serve you.

c) You can put nuts in cake but it tastes weird, that textural contrast, so maybe don’t. But they’re delicious topping an apple pie.

d) All of the above


Correct answer: 


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